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Yesterday I was reminded of a saying by Keanu Reeves.

It goes “People will provoke you until they bring out your ugly side then play victim when you go there”. 

Unfortunately, I had the misfortune of being stuck in a queue beside two men having a verbal argument that got quite heated. One was being aggressively combative and the other was getting publicly humiliated. 

So, the guy being humiliated finally exploded and called the aggressor an effin liar! 

The bloke being combative took on the demeanour of a broken Ken doll and accused the other guy of being an asshole. Then the Ken doll, took off in full victim mode leaving the poor bloke who reacted negatively looking embarrassed, humiliated and feeling ashamed. 

This interaction is designed specifically to shift the culpability from the person doing the provoking back onto the person who reacted negatively. 

Who looked the worst behaved – the person who exploded! Cunning, isn’t it? 

As a Communication Coach being objective is easy, and what I witnessed is a communication style that many people use to push other people to go to places they don’t want to go to emotionally, and or physically, and then when they have provoked someone enough to blow or react negatively, they play the victim. Super frustrating to watch! 

In the end, I asked if he was okay. 

He replied, “Yeah, he’s just not that happy at the moment and he’s not good at dealing with it.”

I won’t go into the rest of the conversation as it’s personal, but hopefully this guy won’t be so easily played next time round.

If you need some help with this situation feel free to contact me.

Why do some people choose to be non-committal and others full on out there with their opinions?

As an anti-bullying coach, I often hear that it’s easier to sit on the fence than to feel unsafe. 

I’ve listed some pros and cons below of fence sitting – is there anything that could be added to either category? 

Pros: 

• Promotes inclusivity and understanding

• Valuable listening skills enhancement – sometimes we need to listen more 

• Non-committal responses provide safety in certain situations

• Shields against impulsive decisions 

• Acknowledges complexity and uncertainty 

Cons: 

• Can erode credibility, especially in significant decisions 

• May lead to frustration for those requiring quick choices

 • Fosters indecision, resulting in missed opportunities and delays 

• Can cause stagnation in group dynamics In the long run, I think committing to decisions showcases confidence, leadership, and trust-building. 

What are your thoughts on this perspective? 

#Empowerment, #Antibullying, #ActiveListening, #WorkplaceCulture, #CommunicationSkills, #TheCommunicationMechanic

What do you do if someone is constantly speaking for you and you don’t do anything about it?

It could be you’ll end up being associated with information you don’t agree with, and being misrepresented by others.

Here are some steps you can take to reclaim your voice:

♠ Have a private conversation expressing your concerns and desire to speak for yourself.
♠ Clearly and confidently communicate your own thoughts and opinions during meetings.
♠ Define your role and responsibilities to prevent overstepping by others.
♠ Keep a record of instances where someone speaks on your behalf.
♠ If the issue persists, involve your supervisor or manager and provide examples.
♠ Keep interactions professional and focus on resolving the issue constructively.

These steps can help you address the situation and ensure that your voice and contributions are recognised at work.

If you need some help reclaiming your voice at work, feel free to email me and we can get you back on track.

As I get older, I find myself at funerals way too often. A week ago, I said farewell to a dear friend who had gracefully reached the remarkable age of 96, still managing to outperform me in the garden. Over a cup of tea, a young plumber called Dave* confided in me he was having trouble with an older staff member who wouldn’t follow instructions. Jim*  had taken it upon himself to skip the early morning Toolbox meetings, claiming he had "heard it all before!" Jim was the team's eldest member. When I asked Dave why he thought Jim was being difficult, he thought it was generational – Jim being so much older than Dave and Jim not liking having to defer to a younger man. It's been my experience that people may struggle with taking instruction for various reasons, for example:

• unclear communication
•  information overload
•  different learning styles
•  distractions
•  memory issues
•  anxiety
•  lack of motivation
• cultural/language differences
• overconfidence
• the communication style of the manager
• task complexity
• and health issues.

We talked about the need to communicate instructions clearly and think about the different learning styles of his staff e.g., the younger people took notes on their phones (Dave always thought they were texting!), and another member scribbled on some cardboard. Were there any distractions, noises, etc. where he held the meetings?  If there was any doubt, Dave could always ask his team to summarise the Health & Safety details and the jobs they were allocated. He would then know what information was being retained.  I then suggested Dave have a conversation with Jim to find out what troubling him. Dave rang me last week to tell me Jim had been diagnosed with severe hearing loss and was too embarrassed to tell Dave that he couldn’t afford the hearing aids. Being difficult was better than being vulnerable or seen as a weak link on the team. Jim was worried he would be replaced with a younger person.

*Names have been changed.

From time to time, I have the privilege of dedicating a few hours to work alongside a team, helping them align their expectations for working together effectively. Jane, (not her real name) a Team Leader reached out to me to facilitate a Team Charter session, ensuring that all her team members could voice their ideas and expectations. Jane described her team as having a close-knit, family-like atmosphere, characterised by mutual support. Everything was going well until we started on the exercise which focused on defining the team's values. It quickly became evident that an underlying tension existed within the group. Some of Jane's team members were uncomfortable being described as a "family" and believed that Jane had issues with maintaining appropriate professional boundaries. Ouch! In other words, Jane was not "staying in her lane." So, what happened next: 

• Jane handled this feedback extremely well and committed to improving her leadership style.
• She recognized the importance of upholding professional standards.
• Team members agreed to respect each other's personal boundaries.
• Balancing support and respect were emphasised. I call this calculated empathy.
• The professionalism discussion was challenging but strengthened team bonds.
• It clarified their shared values.
• The team left the workshop with a clearer sense of purpose.
• And they understood how to balance a "family-like" atmosphere with professionalism in their work environment. Plus by using assertive communication they are able to clearly communicate their boundaries.

Last week Bob (not his real name) invited me to one of his Friday meetings. Bob has a solid reputation for running a good meeting. Lately though, he’d been experiencing a sense of unease over the weekend. Once the meeting started, one of the team started speaking what I call 'Snark' also known as being passive-aggressive. Whenever Bob spoke, this individual, discreetly yet pointedly, muttered, sighed, or made snide comments about other team members' contributions or about Bob himself. I thought that was pretty ballsy!

So, why be passive-aggressive? Sometimes it’s a lack of assertiveness skills, or a good old fashioned power struggle, or they have unresolved resentment. Maybe they grew up communicating that way. 

Here’s the thing though - sarcasm can be funny. People who use sarcasm are often described as having a dry wit, a sharp tongue etc, or a wicked sense of humour. But when used frequently towards one person, it’s not fun, it’s bullying. 

Speaking ‘Snark’ aims to create enough self-doubt in someone to generate a sense of inadequacy resulting in feelings of incompetence. As their self-esteem and confidence decline, they might face difficulties in performing their tasks, leading them to eventually decide to leave. After the meeting, Bob and I worked out he was facing a power struggle. The two approaches below allow Bob to assert control over his meetings without resorting to a direct confrontation, which could escalate tension. 

Tactical Detour: When faced with the latest subtle dig from his team member Bob can adeptly employ a strategy of apparent unawareness. A simple response such as, "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Could you please repeat that?" effectively deters any further passive-aggressive comments in a group setting. 

Call for Open Discussion: Bob plans to create a Group Agreement at the start of his next meeting. This will involve a candid discussion about communication within the meeting. Bob wanted an approach that would cultivate a more positive environment, enabling team members to engage in discussions without the fear of mockery or ridicule. A Group Agreement will achieve this.

Many of us have experienced the frustration of meetings running over time, causing stress and difficulties in managing other responsibilities.  I remember the challenges of doing the afterschool pick up when a weekly meeting I attended would run over time. As I would rush out, I often wondered, why couldn’t the manager finish this meeting on time?  Since working in the communication space I’ve run many workshops on developing effective meetings. Through this work I've identified some crucial topics (see below) that can transform your meetings into powerful and efficient sessions for everyone. 

• Have a good look at your meeting structure: Are they well-organised with a clear agenda, or do they lack direction? Assess if the meeting length is appropriate, and if not, consider proposing a more efficient schedule.
• Effective Time Utilisation:  Are discussions veering off-topic, leading to time wastage? Are your time robbers under control?
• Prioritise Agenda Items: Aim to put the most important topics first. A manager I know celebrates staff achievements at the start of every meeting. Sets a great tone for everyone.
• Time Management Training: If there are gaps in time management skills, arrange relevant training sessions to learn some new skills.  
• Leadership Skills Development: Leadership training or coaching grows competence and confidence to conduct meetings more effectively.
• Encourage Active Listening: Is everyone listening or on their phones or laptops? Active listening fosters better understanding and smoother communication.
• Respectful Environment: A supportive atmosphere can lead to more productive meetings. You can’t chuck people under the bus at a meeting in front of their peers and expect to be respected.
• Continuous Improvement: Regularly evaluate meeting outcomes to identify areas for growth.
• Lead by Example: When others see you running well structured meetings, they will be inspired to follow suit.
• Seek Input from Participants: Collaboratively identify potential solutions and encourage a shared commitment to making meetings more productive.

How would you describe your meetings? 

Are they filled with vibrant, engaged participants who bring infectious energy?

Or do you find yourself dealing with a horde of mindless zombies or relentless time robbers?

It's incredible how some attendees couldn't care less about being present, while others have an uncanny ability to conjure up seemingly urgent tasks out of thin air. 

Do you often feel frustrated, annoyed, or bewildered?  

Many of my clients tell me the disappointment of accomplishing nothing is stressful and disempowering. 

Why does this happen? 

Well, it's a combination of factors. Some attendees simply don't find the meeting relevant, while others choose to prioritise their own tasks. Moreover, underlying tensions can contribute to a toxic meeting environment. The responsibility for addressing these challenges falls to the person leading the meeting.

I’ve found the best way to tackle these issues is head-on, by establishing a group agreement. 

A group agreement is a powerful tool! It's like a dynamic fusion of rules and values, but here's the kicker – everyone gets to contribute. No one gets to sit this one out. 

How? 

Before you start your next meeting, ask everyone for their ideas of what a productive meeting needs (I call this collective buy-in). Set up a whiteboard or a flipchart and jot down their responses. 

Their ideas may range from being prepared and punctual to fostering active listening, respect for others' opinions, and being fully engaged in the meeting's purpose. And if you get quite a few ideas – ask your attendees to rank these based on importance.

Once the details are agreed upon, create a written agreement for everyone to sign. This process takes about 15-20 minutes but improves productivity and meeting culture. 

A group agreement can be beneficial for starting a new project, re-energising an existing team, or a new manager coming in.

Ever run a meeting where you end up waiting for everyone to arrive, then because people are late someone decides to go get a cup of tea, visit the bathroom, check an email - calling out as they rush out “it’s okay, I’ll be quick I promise!” 

These situations can be extremely frustrating especially when you’ve been super clear about what time the meeting starts. 

Here is a quick tip to cut through all this aggravating activity:  Start your meeting on time – WHAT?? 

But not everyone is there, people are still wandering in, and someone is on their phone and so on… 

Why start the meeting at the pre-organised time? Because it is YOUR meeting! And believe or not, it really is that simple. 

How? If you have properly arranged your meeting by sorting out all the necessary details, there will be no confusion. And, if there is any specific information that people need to bring along, you will have clearly communicated this in advance.

So, what happens when you start your meeting right on the allotted time? The people who have made the effort to be there on time see leadership in action. 

People who are late, or unprepared – get put on the spot. 

How? Because you have taken control of your meeting. 

Feel free to get in touch if this is something you are struggling with. It may take a few more meetings before the late comers get the message. 

Keep an eye out for my next tip – how to set up a group agreement. 

A group agreement is a great way to set your boundaries for your meetings! If you're having issues with your meetings, then contact me and we can make a time to talk.

Nurturing Healthy Team Dynamics: Transforming Toxic Teams into High-Performing Units...

Why do teams and their managers allow themselves to be held to ransom by an individual who dominates everything and everyone?

I call these individuals, the fox.

Why do managers fail to grasp the importance of reining in the fox, so that everyone in the team (working in the chook house) can relax and do their best work?

In my work with teams, I’ve discovered two things: the first, sometimes the fox is the muscle for the manager, they do what the manager can’t do for whatever reason that may be. In a way, the fox is a bit like the bouncer. For example, reports not getting done on time, someone being late, people not turning up to meetings – the manager gets the fox on the job, and they’ll get everyone moving. 

On the surface this additional help can be beneficial. But what the manager is giving away is their personal power. The fox on the other hand gets a sense of gratification and so their personal power grows. 

The second: the manager doesn’t have the assertiveness or the communication skills to wrangle the fox, unfortunately the fox knows this, so pretty much dominates the team as well. Now if this fox meets up with another fox from another team, then it’s game on! 

Mind games ensue, managers get dominated in meetings, managers lose the desire to manage, team members start taking sick leave, productivity falls - then pretty soon you have a toxic environment.

It seems a no brainer that creating a positive and productive work environment is crucial for any team’s success. So why is dealing with the fox so important? 

Because toxic team dynamics get in the way of collaboration, dampen morale, and impede overall performance. Mental health, days off, unhappy staff, people leaving, complaints to HR and so on all increase. Soon, staff hate coming to work. 

In my experience, people are more likely to leave their job, not state why in their exit interview because they’re intimidated (they’ve tried to get help from their manager, but nothing has changed). 

Talk is cheap, but actions speak volumes! However, with the right strategies and tools, it's possible to turn toxic teams into high-performing units that thrive on synergy and excellence. Managers need some very specific tools in their communication toolbox to deal with a fox. 

There is nothing more exciting than getting a team in the same room and fostering a safe space so that they can get back on track. It’s not about chucking the fox under the bus; it’s about exploring the why.

Feel free to join me on a transformative journey if you want to change your team dynamics. We can explore the strategies and insights that can reshape your team.

Ever been in a conversation with someone, but you’re distracted not by what they’re saying, but by how they’re saying it? 

When I'm in a conversation with someone, I rely on both verbal and non-verbal cues.

In essence verbal communication involves the use of spoken or written words, whereas non-verbal communication encompasses facial expressions, body language, gestures, and more. However, I’ve discovered there are instances when these two forms of communication are not aligned, leading to potential misunderstandings and misinterpretations. This is what I call mixed messages or the incongruence of the moment.

Incongruence occurs when there is a misalignment or conflict between a person's thoughts, feelings, and actions (non-verbal gestures). I often think that incongruence that leads us into internal conflict, emotional distress, and difficulties in relationships. 

Incongruence is often happening when people are coping with societal pressures, self-doubt, or the need to conform to external expectations. It may also cause individuals to suppress or hide their true thoughts and feelings. Mixed messages particularly in the workplace can make people feel unsettled and create huge amounts of self-doubt. 

Effective communication is the foundation of congruence, when an individual is congruent, it means that there is consistency and authenticity in how they express themselves. They are genuine, transparent, and their outward behaviour reflects their internal experiences. In other words, their words, actions, and emotions agree and are in line with their true self.

Here’s my big question for the day: Have you got your verbals and your non-verbals aligned? And if so, how do you know?

I’d love to hear about some instances of where you’ve found yourself on the receiving end of a misalignment at work, feel free to either share in the comments below, or DM me.